Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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