Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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