rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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