Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my sisters under your porch take her home
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
