I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
