just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
