So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
