There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
