Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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