New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
