I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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