Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're my little dorito
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
