My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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