that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
