i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
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The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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