i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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