I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I could fuck to npr.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
