nut hugger
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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