I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
