2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
