literally had 100 drinks last night.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
