I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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