apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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