When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
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We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.