brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
