so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
