when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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