Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
