Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
