Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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