Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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