i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
