I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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