Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
