pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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