Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
