Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Do you still have your period?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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