trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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