I hate all girls vehemently.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
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Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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