ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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