This is not my ceiling
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
