dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
