Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
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Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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