I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
