I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
