A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Is it because I queefed?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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