our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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