im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
