Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
