No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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