New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
