the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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