Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
