u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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