girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
