you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
A bitchslap is in order.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
