Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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