He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
